Sun
Jun
8
Tasha,
Sometimes I have no idea who you are anymore. I see you pretend to everyone and sometimes, you almost believe it. You smile and laugh and play life’s games… but deep inside you’re broken. Your heart isn’t even sure if it’s in one piece and beating. But it must be because you’re still alive and breathing. Why? You ask yourself this all the time. Why Me? Why are I still here? Why am I tattered and broken? Why Can’t I be fixed? Why am I so misunderstood? Why am I so lost? Why won’t anyone find me? Why is everything in my life so fucking hard? Will it end? Will I finish my daze in my make believe haze? The sad part is I have no answers for you. Who would miss you if you died today? I don’t know that for sure either.
I do know that right now you feel like life is pointless. I know the road that you’ve journeyed. I realize it’s hard to open yourself up, it’s hard for you to trust. Maybe you have been broke one time too many. I know you carry a secret that weighs heavy on your shoulders. I know that sometimes it eats at your insides… maybe someday you’ll have the guts to tell someone. Until then you’ll carry this darkness with you and taunt yourself. I know you’re afraid, I know you feel like your body is your own flesh cage of a prison. I know you cry with relief and freedom as you watch your self inflicted wounds bleed. I guess in the end it is just you and me. I realize that it is hard to hear, and hard to admit, but at least I am the only one that truly knows you.
I am you. Even though you try to hide me.
Mon
Feb
25
Even though every week I look forward to seeing his face he ends up leaving and I end up feeling all alone and miserable again. I count the days every weel until I see him again. I don’t know why I do because I’m the one that ends up hurt. He says that he hurts too, and I see it in his face sometimes. When he looks at me I see everything that he tells me when we’re alone.
Why do I keep living in a fantasy when I know that we’ll never be able to be together. My un-healthy relationships only destroy me in the long run. M heart is the one that is left torn and tattered. I’ll just have to wipe off the blood and tears, cover the scars and care to the open sores. I’ll pull myself together and act as if everything is perfect. I’ll lie to myself and everyone else around me to protect myself. I’ll put on my smile and tell my jokes while deep inside I’m empty. I’ll act like I’m not happy to see him, and try not to count the days. I’ll try to move past this, but until then I’ll pretend I have.
Why did he chose her over me. She’s a fucking ugly chunky bitch slut. She has three kids, the youngest only a few months old and she doesn’t even know who the father is. I mean I’m not saying I’m drop dead gorgeous. I’m fat and ugly. Oh, well, but I look better than her. He obviously didn’t mind that when we were fucking! It just makes me think, “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I really that fucking bad?” I don’t even know why I care so much. He’s an asshole and a goddamn loser anyway. I guess when you’re being twisted in pulled in all directions you lose yourself and what you really want.
Boy: “ I don’t understand why you have to be so damn stubborn. You know I love you and would do anything for you. You’re my soulmate and I’m yours. We’re just supposed to be together. Yes, I know it’s hard but someday we’ll truly be able to be together. I am always here. We’ve known eachother for years. We met in an interesting situation but love is what matters.”
Girl: “ I know, you and I both know that I will always love you, but we also both know that because of your “job” we can’t be together right now. When my day comes, I hope you will be there waiting for me. I do wish we could work, but it’s so hard.”
Boy: ” I know it is, but I’m always here, and you know that. You’re the love of my life.”
* Why does he have to say things like that to me? He knows how I feel, but we both know that is just doesn’t work. Have I enjoyed having him in my bed again? Have I missed how kisses me? Have I missed how he just holds me? YES! Of course I have, which is what makes it so hard. We just need to except our situation for what it is. When the time comes when our situation is different, I will fully be ready for him.*
BOY :” I know that I have been really weird lately. I’m so sorry. I hate seeing you with other guys. Especially guys like Mike, he’s no good for you. I could give you everything you need. I’ve tried to tell myself that I’m not in love with you but I am.”
Girl: “ Really, how could you possibly give me everything? You’re with someone else. I’m just the other woman, yet you can’t seem to leave me alone. We have to try and be friends, we both know why. I just think you need to pretend that “we” never happened. It was just a mistake.”
Boy: “ Just a mistake? If it was just a mistake then why are you crying? I know you feel bad, but I also know that you’re not crying for that reason. You’re crying because you love me too! Why don’t you admit it?”
Girl: “ Because, it jsut makes it harder for me to look at you. I hate looking at you, I hate seeing you with her, everytime I see her hold your hand it kills me. Do you know how hard it is for me to hold the tears back, do you?”
Boy: “ I know, I’m sorry, and I don’t want to hurt her, but I really don’t want to hurt you. I think about you all the time, I even have dreams about us. I just want to kiss you and hold you close to me.”
*Boy then hugs and kisses girl while her tears stain his shirt*
